It is the end of the day on September 11, 2018. It has been 17 years since that terrible day when our country was attacked and we all watched in horror, unsure of what was really happening. I remember where I was, what I was doing and how I felt on that day.
This year was the first year that we really talked about it with our kids. They are 6 & 4. Our oldest was helping put out memorial flags with his Troop so it made sense that he understand why. Thinking about how to talk about it, without causing anxiety or unnecessary stress led me to write this post. It isn’t an easy job to help navigate your child through some of our world’s history. Things like slavery, wars, the Holocaust, terrorist attacks, greed and hate are not easy to explain…even as an adult. I believe it is very important that we do though. Here is why…
“Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.”
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Lots of things sound like a good idea in theory but we can learn a lot from the mistakes of others, the easiest way to do this is to be familiar with history. I would also like to add that as a parent, I want to be the one who walks with my child as they deal with these hard issues. I want to be able to “control the narrative” in a sense. I know my child best so I can help them as they tackle the reality of evil in our world. I would rather them hear it from me than from someone else.
“Since it is so likely that (children) will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. Otherwise you are making their destiny not brighter but darker.”
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For me this is a big part of why I want my children to know about the ugly parts of history. Don’t misunderstand, I love my sweet kids and a part of me wishes they could live in the innocence of childhood forever but that isn’t reality. They are going to encounter the ugly. I already see it on the playground.
I don’t think my kids need to know every gory detail of history at 6 & 4. As their parent I understand that I am responsible to be wise in when and how I explain these hard issues. At the same time, I think the basic understanding of the fight between good and evil is something deep inside us. It is something we as humans have wrestled with since sin entered the world. When my kids learned the story of Adam and Eve and their choice to disobey God, they were introduced to the first ugly part of history. Cain and Able, Noah and the flood, the Tower of Babel…all these stories are filled with the ugliness of human sin but they also show the redemption of God. In any sad or ugly time in history there are always those fighting for good. Brave men and women who stand for truth in the face of overwhelming odds. The good doesn’t stand out if you don’t know about the bad. You can’t see God’s redemption if you don’t know about sin.
This brings me to the HOW of talking about these ugly parts of history.
- The first thing you need to do is PRAY. Pray that you will have wisdom as you explain and answer questions. Pray that your child will have maturity in understanding these hard topics. This is true no matter the age of your child. If you know your student is about to learn about WWII in history, start praying about the discussions you will have as a result. If your child asks why the flag is at half mast as you drive in the car – pray right then as you find the words to answer. James 1:5 says “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” You can’t pray too much!
- Find age appropriate material. You aren’t the first parent to have to navigate these waters. Chances are there is a resource geared for your child’s age to help. Look at the library for books. YouTube for videos – NOTE: be sure to pre-screen ALL videos! You don’t want to be surprised by what someone else thinks is appropriate content. Ask friends what they found helpful. Look online for resources specific to your child’s age/ understanding. Historical fiction can be very helpful to increase a child’s understanding beyond mere facts. Look on Pinterest for ideas. If you absolutely can’t find anything, make it yourself!
- Share your story. It was easy to do this for 9/11 because I lived through it. I could tell them what I was doing when I found out etc and it made it more personal. For other time periods, you could share how you felt when you first learned about it or a story you know from a family member who did live through that part of history.
- Be honest as you answer their questions. Kids appreciate it when we are genuine. If you don’t understand something or struggle with why something happened, be honest with them. Don’t try to have all the answers wrapped in a neat little package.
- Help them find the helpers.
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
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This is such a wonderful way to bring hope to dark situations in history (or even the present). As you talk to your child, point out the good people who were fighting for right, even if they didn’t seem to succeed! Those people are always important and they show God’s grace and love during hard times. The helpers also serve as an example. The heroic character they display speaks to the inner hero in your child and beckons it to come forth.
- Let them respond. Even though it is hard, let your child respond to the reality of what they have learned. Don’t tell them how to feel, let them share how it makes them feel. Every personality deals with injustice differently. Some with anger, others sadness, some want to have time to think, others want to take action. It can be helpful to have some type of activity that allows for expression. Writing, art, music, dance can all be helpful mediums for a student to respond to hard things. For young children, a symbolic act can be helpful. This allows a younger child to feel some closure on a difficult subject even though they may not realize it. For example, my SIL gave her boys an American flag and let them wave it and sing the national anthem after talking to them about 9/11. I ended my time talking to my kids with a prayer time where we prayed for the families of those who had been killed as well as for the “bad people” who were deceived into thinking that hurting others pleases God. The kids took a turn praying a simple short prayer of their own. It doesn’t have to be elaborate just something to let them process.
- Give hope – No matter what dark period you are talking about, as Christians we can always remember that God wins in the end. Evil will always lose no matter how victorious it seems in the moment. Teaching our children this hope that comes from God will hold them in good stead their whole life.
It isn’t easy but if we don’t tell our kids, who will?
